Masking During the Holidays

What it is, why it's exhausting & strategies for coping:

Holiday season can = high expectations, this is likely rooted in the religious component of the holiday season and the idea that ALL of your time should be spent with your family and faith based community. However, unrealistic expectations are not only limited to family members and can extend to colleagues and friends. For many neurodivergent folks, attending events can also mean the pressure to ‘fit in’, hide sensory needs and behave in ways that feel unnatural. The act of hiding or suppressing neurodivergent traits so you appear ‘typical’ or socially acceptable is often called masking.

Masking can require constant mental effort: monitoring your tone of voice, body language and even your internal responses to sensory or emotional overload.. Over time, in particular during social-heavy seasons like the holidays, that effort can become draining, leading to anxiety, burnout, or emotional exhaustion.

Recognizing that masking can be harmful is the first step toward creating an affirming & manageable holiday experiences.

Here are some strategies to consider:

Surviving Small Talk:

Small talk can be psychologically painful - this may sound dramatic, but the reality is that small talk requires a lot of constant assessment for appropriate cues and navigating social scripts. Neurodivergent folks (myself included), may have the experience of being criticized or shamed for asking the wrong question, or being blunt/rude. Due to these experiences, many neurodivergent folks may spend more time overanalyzing and self assessing. This often creates more distraction and disconnection and therefore reinforces the feeling of small talk being disingenuous, awkward and uncomfortable. 

Here are some tips from a neurodivergent affirming therapist:

• Finding shared activities - social connection doesn’t always have to come from conversations. Board games, puzzles, crafts, or even sitting together while doing parallel activity (reading, drawing) can feel less draining than forced chit chat

  
  

• Set boundaries & normalize them - it’s okay to say ‘i’m going to step away for a bit', skip portions of the gathering (i.e. leave early/ arrive late!) or decline events that don’t work for you. Remember, no is a complete answer, even if it’s in response to the office holiday party that everyone else seems really excited about.

  
  

• Communicate sensory needs - If you feel safe/comfortable doing so, telling hosts or close family/friends that bright lights, loud music, or strong scents feel overwhelming can help shape a more comfortable environment. If that feels too vulnerable, permission to not go OR bring along some sensory supports such as noise isolating headphones (ie Loop help to reduce sound but not all of it) & wearing a hat to help filter some of the lighting. Fidget toys can also be something to consider as it can help with self-regulation, in particular if you know you are entering a high sensory zone.

You don’t have to ‘mask’ in order to participate in the holidays

You don’t have to silence your needs

You don’t have to push yourself past exhaustion for others

We are a team of neurodivergent therapists who get it. Our entirely virtual team allows for you to access affirming therapy in the comfort of your own home, hoping to eliminate as many barriers as we can to make counselling more accessible. If finances are a barrier, our intern program provides therapy sessions at the rate of 35/session, Interested folks can email to learn more: hello@kristenhydescounselling.com or schedule a free consultation on our booking page!