Navigating Grief During the Holidays: from an unapologetic, feminist and anti-capitalist therapist

It appears that the holidays arrive earlier, louder and even more obnoxious each year which can feel overwhelming for those navigating grief. The sensory intensity of it all sends the message that the only emotion that is allowed during this time is joy. Grief, whether fresh or decades old, can grow louder amid the cheerful noise. Coping with that ache while the world insists otherwise, is an emotional sport of its own.

Navigating grief during the holidays doesn’t require you to perform or mask, or to the opposite and shut yourself out from the world…it can also be a moment to reclaim your emotional autonomy, resist the capitalist holiday machine, and honor yourself with practices that feel authentic to you. Feminism, after all, is not just about political theory - it’s also about reclaiming your humanity under systems that try to flatten it.

Here are some ideas on how to navigate grief during this time and a reminder that you’re not broken - the season is complicated:

1. Small acts of resistance: In a patriarchal culture, emotional labor falls disproportionately on women, femmes, and marginalized genders. What does that actually look like? Consider those who take on the role of organizing gatherings, smoothing family tensions, handling gifts, cooking, remembering who is allergic to pine nuts, having fresh sheets ready for guests, stocking the fridge and pantry with favourite holiday items. Small acts of resistance may look like delegation or letting go of what is expected of you. You don’t owe anyone emotional performativity, provide yourself the permission for the holidays to look different this year and you don’t have to protect others from your grief.

2. Rituals that are centred in healing: 

• Creating a small altar or memory space with items that remind you of the person or animal you lost

• Rest as a form of rebellion 

• Choosing softness over spectacle; you don’t have to do anything on your time off from work, those around you may pack their social calendars and you have full permission to enjoy an entire day in your pajamas…OR, wear your pajamas to the event - who cares, use your grief card, it’s yours to use when needed.

• Gather with people who get it; when we go through grief, we often become members of a club we never wanted to belong to in the first place. Although family members or friends may understand, they may not ‘get it’ in the same way that another person does who has lost in that way. Perhaps you don’t know someone in your circle who has also lost a parent as a young adult, there are some great social media accounts that help connect folks from all over around some of the unique experiences of grief and here are some examples:

@thegriefgang 

@queergriefclub 

@theofficialdeadmonclub

@themotherlosstherapist

3. The anti-capitalist reframe: A reminder that you can opt out of holiday shopping and can create alternatives, such as a ‘capitalism-free night’ with friends potluck style, no fancy decor, no pressure to be merry and listening to music you actually want to listen to.

4. You’re also allowed to feel joy:

Joy doesn’t erase grief.

Grief doesn’t cancel joy.

In therapy you may often hear your therapist say, ‘more than one emotion can exist at the same time.’ As a therapist who integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) into my work with clients, I encourage folks to notice the constellation of their emotional world and to have permission for it all. During this season, if something makes you laugh, smile, soften or breathe more easily…let yourself have it. 

That is not betrayal to your grief.

We are a collective of queer feminist therapists that recognize that the holidays can be complicated and hard, and grief adds another layer to it all. As a team, we ensure that there are available appointments throughout December to offer whatever support folks are needing. If you are curious about therapy from a more radical and empowering lens, feel free to book a consultation with a member on our team. All therapists on the team

are Registered Social Workers and if you have benefits, you are likely covered!

PS - Using your benefits to pay for radical feminist therapy is also an act of resistance!